The Best Relationships Aren’t Found, They’re Built

“True love isn’t found. It’s built.”

The first time I read this, I strongly agreed with its message.

Love isn’t a thing that just appears once you start looking for it. Real love doesn’t come out of the blue, whether you search for it in different places or in different people.

You need to make an effort to build great love. To do that, you have to understand what love really is.

What is love?

For starters, infatuation is very different from true love.

While there are similarities between the two, love is more than just being attracted to someone’s physical features.

According to Merriam-Webster, love is an affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interest. Meanwhile, infatuation is a strong and unreasonable admiration for a specific person.

To put it clearly, infatuation looks like this:

You like someone and you get obsessed with the idea of being with them without actually having talked to them. However, once you discover a certain flaw in their character, your desire for them disappears.

Love, on the other hand, is when you continue to like, admire, and long for someone regardless of their flaws.

It is unconditional. This is why it’s foundational for every happy and long-term relationship.

How can you create a lasting relationship?

It’s not enough to rely on love alone. There are other factors to consider, such as:

Great relationships are created over time.

I don’t certainly believe love at first sight.

I consider the admiration during the first few dates as purely infatuation. There’s no real love during this period.

Love actually begins after the “getting-to-know each other” phase.

It may take a few months or years. But these initial interactions are necessary to establish a deeper relationship.

You start bonding with this person. You begin to understand who they are, how they behave, and what they believe in. This is the moment that you start accepting their imperfections and beliefs.

A relationship is not all sunshine and rainbows.

Most couples go through the “honeymoon phase” when they start out.

You call each other regularly. You always go on dates. You keep tabs on each other every moment of your day.

However, it’s not always going to be happiness and cheer.

You start to become annoyed with each others habits. You start to argue. You fail to keep promises. No matter how strong your bond is, there will be moments when your love will be put to the test.

This is the reality. In the end, it’s up to you how you will deal with and get past your problems.

Great relationships have strong foundations.

Why do some couples end in a breakup? Because they don’t have the necessary foundation.

It’s not enough to just spend time and be intimate. There should exist a deeper sense of understanding, respect, commitment, trust, and honesty in the relationship.

Think of these as the foundation of a house. If there are no walls or windows, it’s simply an empty space. And if it also lacks one of these things, the house is likely to break down.

Combined effort is necessary.

A relationship is a two-way street.

It won’t work if you are the only one making an effort. You and your partner should work hand in hand to achieve your goals in the relationship.

Love is necessary for a relationship to work.

When you love someone, you are willing to make your relationship work.

You accept their imperfections, work on resolving arguments together, and understand what’s best for the relationship.

All of these things — respect, commitment, and effort — are created out of love.

You can only love as much if you understand what love really is. Are you willing to fight for it?

This story was originally published on Medium: The Best Relationships Aren’t Found, They’re Built